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Group and one-on-one therapy are just the beginning. We employ a wide range of methods and modalities, including valuable peer support, to address each person’s unique needs.
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Change takes work, but it can’t be harder than living with unresolved addiction, trauma, and other disorders. If you or someone you love needs help, we’re ready and waiting.
By Joe Turner
Sex addiction is an incredibly deteriorating illness that, in many cases, stems from traumatic incidents that happened during the years of development. Sexual abuse, particularly when the victims are men, often goes unreported due to social stigmas, preconceived gender roles, and stereotypes about sexual abusers and victims.
Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often cope with their trauma in one of two ways. They either withdraw from any kind of future sexual activity, deliberately avoiding any sexual, intimate or flirtatious interactions, or they seek out promiscuous sexual activity on a large, unhealthy scale. This can include an endless cycle of short-term partners, dangerous or risky sexual behavior, addiction to pornography, and regular bouts of infidelity.
The latter response to coping with sexual abuse trauma may seem on the surface to be counterintuitive. Why would a person willingly seek out activities that originally caused them intense psychological distress at the hands of another person? For many abuse survivors, both the abuse and their reactions to the abuse are extremely painful and difficult to comprehend.
While it may seem strange, it is a very common reaction among those who have survived childhood sexual abuse. In fact, studies have shown that sexual abuse during the developmental years has a strong correlation with hypersexuality, sex addiction, and an unhealthy perception of sex, intimacy, and relationships as an adult.
When you’ve been sexually abused, getting the right therapy to process the abuse is often the best route for long-term healing. But when this abuse happens to men, societal stigmas and stereotypes often prevent male survivors and mental health treatment from partnering together as they should. And this creates some unique challenges. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center says men are influenced by society not to identify themselves as victims, as victimization is often depicted as feminine. Consequently, male sexual abuse survivors may suppress their emotions and not ask for help. Unwanted sexual contact can also be a confusing reality for some men, as modern culture conditions men to want sex.
When you’ve been sexually abused, getting the right therapy to process the abuse is often the best route for long-term healing.
However, keeping sexual abuse under wraps doesn’t remedy the psychological trauma that arises from the aforementioned abuse. So what happens when that trauma continues to linger long after the abuse has taken place? Male survivors of sexual trauma will address the anxiety, shame, confusion, or other negative feelings associated with their abuse through various coping mechanisms, including sex. But for some, this can spiral into sex addiction.
Research shared by Meadows Senior Fellow and Gentle Path clinical architect Dr. Patrick Carnes shows that men who are addicted to sex are highly likely to have suffered trauma in their childhood. About 72% of sexually addicted men say they were physically abused while 81% claim to have suffered from sexual abuse. These statistics, while incredibly tragic, make a strong case for the notion of “abuse creating abuse” among male survivors of sexual trauma, although the underlying truth is a lot more complex.
Many people who suffer sexual abuse during childhood come to equate their sexuality with their self-worth. Over the years, they may come to accept the abuse as though it was the only aspect of their character which offered gratification to another person. It greatly skews your perception of who you are, what your purpose in life is, and your understanding of appropriate relationship dynamics.
Suffering sexual abuse at a young age also lights up neural pathways in your brain which are linked to sexual arousal. This can be damaging to a child’s brain because they have not developed the structure to properly process this type of arousal. When sexual arousal occurs at an age when one has matured enough to place it within a context of healthy desire and connection, it helps them develop a healthy perspective on intimacy and sex. But, when it occurs before they have matured enough, these same neural pathways become associated with negative emotions such as fear, shame, secrecy, confusion, physical distress, jealousy, and rage.
When a man who has been sexually abused as a child reaches a reasonable age at which he should be able to comprehend the connection between sexual interactions and relationships, his perception is, by this point, already distorted due to his tendency to associate sex with negative emotions. While a male survivor may begin to crave the idea of being wanted by another person, he may only feel comfortable attempting to gain this kind of gratification through sexually aggressive tactics. Men often desire the increase in self-esteem that they believe an intimate relationship will provide but find it difficult to develop and maintain a real relationship. This is partially due to the ways in which their brains connect the idea of sexual intimacy with danger.
Many male sexual abuse survivors also sometimes use sex as a way to regain control of everything they felt was taken away from them during their abuse. Frequent and unsafe sexual promiscuity is the physical manifestation of an embedded desire to have power over the very thing that made them feel so powerless in the past. The abuse victim may have internalized the events to be some sort of game, and by engaging in regular, compulsive sexual behavior, they may feel they are finally “winning.”
Sexual abuse survivors may live with ongoing shame, guilt, or anger because of the trauma associated with their abuse. For male survivors of sexual abuse trauma specifically, the response to these ongoing emotions can lead down a path of self-destructive behaviors. As Washington University in St. Louis reports, this can look like increased alcohol or drug use for many. Others may respond with heightened aggressiveness, picking fights,` and easily getting into arguments. Some may even cut off their relationships and go into isolation to cope. As already discussed, male survivors especially may turn to sex.
All these paths would be considered maladaptive coping mechanisms. When a male survivor pursues sex in response to his trauma, in the end it only causes further emotional, mental, and physical harm. As sex becomes a compulsive and addictive behavior, it can disrupt your life and damage relationships, careers, and personal responsibilities in the process. This addiction can also lead to more aggressive, riskier sexual activity which can generate more shame and guilt over time, causing you to dive even further into your addiction.
When you’re struggling with sex addiction and trauma, navigating relationships as a male survivor can be incredibly difficult. You could have a hard time trusting others or even fear intimacy and closeness. Consequently, you may also be dealing with co-occurring disorders like anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can impact your relationships with others. However, these challenges don’t mean you’ll never have healthy, close relationships. It can be done.
The thought of sharing your life with someone else may be daunting as a survivor. Moreover, telling your partner about your history with sexual abuse, as well as your sex addiction struggles, could feel downright scary. However, transparent communication is a critical component of healthy relationships, so sharing this information with your partner needs to be prioritized. Seeking specialized couples therapy for male survivors and their partners can be a safe and healthy option to process everything with your significant other while receiving the support you both need to heal and grow.
Seeking specialized couples therapy for male survivors and their partners can be a safe and healthy option to process everything with your significant other while receiving the support you both need to heal and grow.
The shame that is associated with being a victim of abuse causes men to shy away from getting treatment for sex addiction and addressing the underlying trauma. To discuss their painful childhoods in an open and honest way could be considered a violation of society’s “rules” for men. Conventional beliefs about masculinity have taught men that they should always be in charge of their fate and not allow themselves to become susceptible to abuse.
Many men believe that if they talk about the abuse or their emotional pain with anyone, they are “whining” and that seeking professional help would convey weakness. They have been taught that it is important for them to protect themselves physically and emotionally by putting on an armor of masculinity. Coming to terms with traumatic childhood abuse is seen as something which may require them to abandon that armor, leaving them vulnerable to pain and ridicule.
Sadly, these dangerous and unfair standards of masculinity do nothing but impede recovery for male survivors prevent them from developing the loving, life-affirming personal relationships they need and deserve. Instead, male survivors’ journey to healing is more successful when they’re receiving trauma-informed treatment from professionals who specialize in sex addiction in men. With the right guidance, overcoming sex addiction after abuse is not only possible, but you can achieve a much healthier outlook on relationships, sex, and intimacy as a result. To learn more about how our programs at Gentle Path at The Meadows are helping men who struggle with childhood trauma, sexual issues, and more, reach out today.
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